


The Truth

by Najelen



Category: History (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 09:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7796008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Najelen/pseuds/Najelen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If only he'd known the truth.</p><p>“Hyu... Hyung. Please. He was with you. He IS with you, right? Cause… Cause I was talking with him. On the phone. And the… *sniff* there was that bang... And he’s not answering. And hyung, please, tell me, tell me he’s there with you, please…” He didn’t hear the last words because he was already running outside the bar.</p><p>If only he'd known the truth. Everything would be alright.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Or at least everyone would be alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Truth

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry?
> 
> Already published on AFF

If only he'd known the truth.

Kyungil sat there with a closed notebook on his knees. His face was long, silent tears were dropping on the cover. The pain in his chest has grown larger and larger with every page. Every word stabbed him like a knife.

If only he'd known the truth. Everything would be alright.

 

_I LOVE YOU, YOU FREAKING IDIOT!!! How cannot you see this!? I CONFESSED to you. I confessed in front of so many people, and I meant every word I said. And you still behave as it was nothing. Are you blind or you just don’t want to acknowledge my feelings? I can handle a rejection, but please, reject me. Or accept me. Just… Just stop playing around the subject…_

 

If only he'd known the truth. Everything would be alright.

 

 

 

Or at least everyone would be alive.

 

***

 

It was Friday evening and the bar was crowded with people finally having time to relax after the whole week of work. But his interest was fixed on the young boy that sat next to him. The one sipping beer, too focused on his own thoughts to notice elder’s gaze.

“What’s on your mind, Yijeongie?” He asked softly, making the younger jump a little in surprise.

“Oh, nothing important.” A smile flashed across maknae’s face. “But I want to ask you about something. Can I?” Was there a hesitation in his voice? The boy definitely looked quite ashamed.

“Go ahead,” he encouraged the shorter one.

“Are you… Are you bi?” Yijeong’s cheeks became slightly flushed, his eyes everywhere but on him. On the other hand Kyungil couldn’t avert his gaze from the boy, surprised by his words. ‘What kind of question is that?’ he thought. ‘And why is he asking about that?’ The curiosity was strong enough to voice the question loud.

“I just… wondered. You know. I… I remember you saying that you liked girls, but…” Yijeong stuttered for a second like he couldn’t find a proper explanation for bringing up this topic, but then he smiled wildly with his usual confidence. “But you became such a fan of skin ship with me lately that I wondered if I should know something,” he finished teasingly, looking right into leader’s eyes.

Kyungil studied the shorter carefully. ‘There’s something more. But you won’t tell me, will you?’

“I am not bi, and yes, I like girls,” he said slowly, ready to analyze boy’s reaction.

“Oh.” A one simple syllable was enough to convince Kyungil that it wasn’t the answer the younger wanted to hear. The impression didn’t fade even after following words. “Then I don’t have to worry you’ll start molesting me someday after a very stressful routine.” Maknae switched his focus back to the drink laughing quietly. He looked relaxed and calm, yet something in his posture seemed… sad? Disappointed? Kyungil knew the boy too well to be fooled.

“Yijeong…” He was interrupted by a familiar ring tone of Yijeong’s phone.

“Um, sorry, hyung.”

Kyungil didn’t pay attention to the short conversation maknae carried on next to him. He was figuring out possible reasons of boy’s curiosity about his orientation. ‘Why now?’

“Ok, I’ll be going.” Those words were directed to him. “Jaeho-hyung needs my help with… I don’t even know. It’s probably something stupid and irrelevant, but yeah, as he said, being the youngest means being the helper. Who says such things anyway?”

Kyungil giggled making Yijeong even more frustrated. “It’s not funny, hyung.” He complained but the corner of his lips rose slightly. “See you later!” The boy was gone before the older could answer him. That was quite strange. Yijeong was always happy (more or less) to help his hyungs, but when it came to Jaeho some sort of argument between them was a must. Maknae never agreed to help the rapper without making billions of excuses first. Especially when Kyungil was around and he could use him to convince Jaeho to leave him alone. And now? He was so eager to leave. Kyungil frowned looking at the unfinished beer. There _was_ something wrong with the boy today.

*

Not even few minutes passed when he noticed that something was going on outside. People were screaming and he was sure he heard a loud thump. He turned to look at the door, but he didn’t want to check what happened. ‘That’s probably another drunk driving accident.’ he thought with an unpleasant swift in the stomach.

His phone rang.

“Hey there, Jaeho, what’s up? First you stole my precious company and now you want to get my, even more precious, free time?” he greeted the caller laughing, but his mood fallen rapidly when he heard Jaeho’s shaky voice.

“Hyu... Hyung. Please. Yijeong. He was with you. He _IS_ with you, right? Cause… Cause I was talking with him. On the phone. And the… *sniff* there was that bang... And he’s not answering. And hyung, please, tell me, tell me he’s there with you, please…” Kyungil didn’t hear the last words and Jaeho’s sobbing because he was already running outside the bar.

 

***

 

There were so many people. The screams were louder outside but the rush of the adrenaline and shock made him almost deaf. He looked around and spotted a gap place surrounded by people. He maneuvered through the crowd without noticing complaints about elbowing his way to the destination. He didn’t want to see this, but he had to. He tried to reach Yijeong on the phone, but the younger didn’t answer. ‘It’s just something with his phone. He dropped it, and it’s broken. Or someone stole it from him.’ _What with that bang Jaeho mentioned?_ ‘He misheard something.’ Every possible scenario was running through his mind trying to mute the worst one forming in his head. He couldn’t catch his breath when he finally reached the targeted spot, even though it was only a few hundred meters.

 

Red snickers. That was the first thing he saw on the accident scene. ‘Cause he was right, there was an accident. A car hit a pedestrian. The pedestrian wearing exactly the same red snickers as Yijeong had.

‘Coincidence.’

The pedestrian laying now lifeless on the pavement.

‘That must be a coincidence.’

Someone was crouching near the body (‘Victim, not the body!’), talking on the phone. Kyungil made a step. Then another. Someone tried to stop him, but he had to be certain. It’s not him. It could not.

It was him. Face covered with blood, yet still easily recognizable. Kyungil stood there unable to peel off his gaze from the painful sight. He didn’t hear the man until he patted him on the arm.

“Do you know him? Are you his friend? Family?” Words cut their way to his brain. He tried to speak, his mouth opened and shut without a sound. It was too difficult. He focused his eyes on the stranger and decided to nod instead.

“My friend called an ambulance.” The man continued looking at him warily. Unspoken ‘but’ hung in the air. Kyungil’s gaze came back to Yijeong only to see the hectic attempts of CPR taken by the other stranger.

CPR? ‘But that would mean that he’s…’ The reality punched him like a train. He collapsed on his knees feeling the knot forming in his stomach and throat. He could only watch the other man trying to bring the body on ground back to life (‘Yijeong, not the body.’). Judging by the rising amount of courses he was failing again and again.

 

 

 

 

 

He didn’t succeed before the ambulance arrived.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Neither did the paramedics.

 

 

 

***

 

_I’m done. I’m tired. I need an answer. Love or simple friendship, without all that affectionate bullshit you feed me every day. Can you fall in love with me? Do you even like boys? Funny, I’ve never thought about it, even after London. You said that you liked girls. It broke my heart to the pieces. But then you had to complicate everything again. “I like someone who likes me”. God dammit Kyungil, make up your mind! Well, liking girls doesn’t mean you don’t like boys, does it? Are you bi? (Oh please, say yes!) Do you like me? Do you love me?_

 

***

 

He found that notebook when he was cleaning Yijeong’s stuff. He recognized the cover, he saw it few times already. He always assumed maknae used it to store his early song ideas. Not that it was some kind of a diary. Or rather the collection of letters and notes expressing every feeling Yijeong had for him.

 

His happiness.

_You called me yours! You like me! You don’t know how happy I am right now! ~~Of course you don’t know cause you don’t listen to me when I’m telling you such things. That’s why I have to write it in the notebook, pfff…~~ I am yours. Only yours. I like my other hyungs too, but you’re special. You make me so happy. And your hugs are the best! And you always look out for me. And you are so handsome and strong, you are just perfect, hyung. I’m glad I joined this group, ‘cause it gave me a chance to meet you..._

 

Hope.

_Thank you for taking care of me, when I was sick, hyung. You’re right, I should’ve been more careful and dressed warmly. I didn’t want to trouble you and waste our days off. Happily you weren’t mad. I know you care about every member, but… When Jaeho was sick you sent him to Dokyun-hyung (Why didn’t you let Dokyun-hyung help you with me?), because “you’re not good at taking care of idiots who cannot stay at home during the storm”. And you still bring me breakfast to the bed despite I’m already cured. It’s so nice! You are so protective and thoughtful. It makes me feel like you care about me a little more than about others. I’d like to have a boyfriend like you._

_Well… I’d like you to be my boyfriend, hyung._

 

Sadness.

_I’m fooling myself, aren’t I? I see what I want to see. I read between the lines, even if there’s nothing to read. I hoped you like me, you know… really LIKE me. I tried to show you how much I like you, but it didn’t work I guess. You don’t see this nor you understand. You’re nice to me, ‘cause you are a nice person, not because you… I heard you have a date tonight. Sihyoung told me when I was looking for you. Why was he surprised I didn’t know? It’s painful, but I hope you’ll have a good time anyway. You deserve it, hyung._

 

Frustration.

_Aaaaghr, why are you doing this to me? You are so clingy and touchy nowadays. I can barely handle it. My skin burns under your fingers, my heart beats faster every time you hug me. And what’s with those glances? I bet you undress me in your head sometimes. It’s quite too much for a fan service, isn’t it, hyung? Shit, I would pay all my money to be touched like this when we’re alone, and give everything if you went further. But no, you cut every contact with me when the others are gone. Am I that repulsive? Then why are you watching those fan videos about our ‘relationship’, huh?_

 

Anger.

_You fucking bastard. You always think I’m joking. You always laugh or shush me. You never listen to me. I want to hit you so hard, make you understand how difficult it is for me. And stop sending me inconsistent signals. One day you go all lovey-dovey, the other you don’t say a single word to me. Is that a permanent PMS or what? I’m not your fucking toy you can cuddle during a bad day and throw away after. I have feelings. Unfortunately, too much of them for someone like you._

 

His love...

_I like watching you when you sleep (bless the man responsible for room arrangement during the Japan promotions!). Wow, it’s sounds kinda creepy, haha. You look calm and innocent, quite vulnerable. It’s different from your usual facade. I like that side of yours. (Yeah, let’s be honest, I like your every side.) Looking at your peaceful face I can imagine how it would be if we were together. I’d make you breakfast every day. (It means I’d have to get up earlier, and you know how much I love sleeping, so you should be grateful!) Then I’d need to wake you up. I can name some fancy ways to do that *wink wink*. After that you could enjoy your meal giving me my daily portion of morning cuddles. Then… Then I often return to the reality with a heart attack caused by your alarm clock. Everything I can do is faking being asleep or greeting you cheerfully wishing you a good day. It hurts but it’s OK. As long as you’re happy, hyung, I can deal with it._

 

 

***

 

 

A lonely figure was sitting on the cemetery looking blankly at a new grave.

“I found your notebook…”

If only he'd known the truth.

“It looks like you were quite pissed off because of me. I do understand you. I’m really freaking pissed off because of myself right now.”

 

 

“You know, Jaeho can’t stop blaming himself for your… For what happened. He keeps repeating that if he didn’t call you and ask for your help you would be alright. Dokyun and Sihyoung keep trying to comfort him, but I know they also feel guilty. Dokyun because he couldn’t help Jaeho that time and Sihyoung because he suggested him to call you. But we both know the truth. I’m the one who should be blamed. I’m the reason you left that bar then, aren’t I? If my answer was different, you would’ve stayed. You would’ve argued with Jaeho, made me tell him you can’t go. Instead of that you decided to run away, disappointed by my answer. To gather yourself before you face me again.”

 

 

“My answer… Those few words fucked everything. I am not bi. And I like girls. I wasn’t lying. Should I have lied to stop you?”

If only he'd known the truth. Everything would be alright.

“Or should I have told you the truth?”

If only Yijeong had known the truth. Everything would be alright.

“I always knew you loved me. I knew from the very beginning. I just… First I thought it was just a puppy love for your oldest hyung. After I found out that your pure admiration evolved into… I was scared. I was afraid what people would think about it. How it would influence the band. I thought you deserve to fall for someone better than me. Every time you wanted to tell me your feelings I tried to stop you. I couldn’t let you say them loud, someone might’ve heard you. I didn’t want to accept your words, they made everything more complicated. I wanted to live in the simple world. You kept trying and trying, but I was a coward. Now I regret every lost chance we had to deal with it. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I failed. That’s why we’re here…”

 

 

 

 

 

“I am not bi, I like girls. But you know what’s funny? I find boys way more attractive. I like girls, but I fall for boys. I fell for you. I loved you too, silly boy. I still do. And I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry…”

Or at least he would be alive.


End file.
